Dottie is a 65-year-old woman from Columbus, OH who loves reading, her husband Roger, and above all else the Ohio State Buckeyes. Feelings toward her from other Goodreads users are mixed, although I would argue this is because not everyone is capable of recognizing the complexity of her critiques. Below is a sampling of her finest Goodreads reviews.

Paula Deen: It Ain’t All About the Cookin’ by Paula Deen

I LOVE THIS BOOK!!!!!! Let me repeat: I. LOVE. THIS. BOOK.

If you like books that have first name, Paula, Last name Deen, and the words It. Ain’t. All. About. The. Cooking. THEN…. drumroll please. THIS IS THE PERFECT BOOK FOR YOU.

Sometimes I get jealous when I watch Paula’s show because I am afraid that I won’t live up to the high standards that she makes but at least this book can give me the hope to try. I wish I could take the pain from her and borrow her diabetes — be the change you want to see in the world — so she could write another book just as good as this one. Boy oh boy, I hope she doesn’t lose her foot. But if she does, I hope it’s made of butter so she can keep feeding her family the delicious meals she’s known for THE WORLD OVER! God Bless Paula. And God Bless the Ohio State University Buckeyes.


You Can Make Anything Sad by Spencer Madsen

I would give this book two stars if there were more words on it. I think the price is a bit steep for what it is. You CAN make anything sad, young man, if you just try a little harder! Think of all the kitties in the shelters who are missing good homes. Sad! And here you go on talking about… Not Much! The cover looks like something disrespectful like street grafitti and Pepto Bismo. One time someone spray painted “gang tags” on the side of my grandkid’s school and it was a real shame. Government dollars in use to get it off when it could be going to police stations and soup kitchens. I like the police. Okay well I’m signing off now. Go Buckeyes! 😃

Witch Piss by Sam Pink

I thought this book was a heartwarming romp through the rough streets of Chicago. My father lived there after he abandoned us and that city gets MY-T COLD some winters. Brrrrr! And the Black slang is so realistic. I like that it gives a real representation to underclassed minorities. True Love Knows No Bounds. Homeless people are people too. Like anyone, I forget that sometimes. They just don’t have homes is all. Anyway, I was all ready to recommend this to my friend but then I logged on here and saw the author photo! What type of hairstyle is that? I would call it “Dirty” LOL. Also I am extremely concerned now that I see his other book titles. I have half a mind to go through the chicago phone book and give a little ringading to any ladies named Pink! If that was my son—- shooooowee. Poor boy. I have a lot of Jewish friends and the Halocaust is nothing to joke about. Okay, can’t wait to hear what you all have to say about that! I know I hit a lot of hot issues. But that’s what America’s about. Go Buckeyes! And Go America!


Nobody is Ever Missing by Catherine Lacey

I did not like this book because the main character does not value her husband. I love my Roger. He is very messy sometimes and he and his friends can be rowdy when they are all together. This really gets on my nerves! Sometimes I can lose my temper with him, but when it comes down to it I know that I am Blessed to have him as my Husband and Life Partner. He will be with me, come hell or high water! Catherine needs to learn this. Treat your Man right, Catherine. Maybe you should try this out, sweetie? Or try and learn to cook. You know what they say. Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed. Lol! I’m funny. Anyway, sometimes people are missing and I think this title is awfully misleading. There’s a great show on Investigation Discovery that’s all about that! Well, thanks for hearing my thoughts! Go Buckeyes!

Made to Break by D. Foy

This book is a real shame. A shame! What kind of mother names her child a letter? Not a good one! D? My friend’s daughter is lazy as heck (she works at the subway) and she at least named her son Tom. Not Thomas. Tom. That’s only two more letters but at least it’s a NAME. Ok, well I’m off to bed, interested in what you all think though! Go buckeyes!


The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

This book is too long


I Am Ready To Die A Violent Death by Heiko Julien

Man my nephew sure has been recommending some books. And typically I don’t listen to him because he’s a little bit retarded. Oh wait, you’re not supposed to say that these days. Everyone’s a critic. Anyway, he’s… well you know. However, a few weeks ago I broke my coccyx. For those of you who don’t know, this is the most important bone in your body (next to the heart bone). I know that when Aunt Maria got kicked off her horse and broke her coccyx, she had one of those balloon pillows. To sit on. I wish I had one of those right now. Like my broken coccyx, this book is a real pain in my… rhymes with mutt. I hope Roger is reading this because I could really use this because CHRISTMAS IS COMING ROGER. I Would like this, Please, Honey.

I would ask for this also except that Mister Julien has RUINT this look for me FOREVER.

My nephew (the gay one) showed me a video of him on the Internet and he looked just like a slutty little gnome. I am sorry, I like big strapping burly men like my Roger. “Men” like Mister Julien are ruining our economy. I do hope he dies a violent death! Just kidding, that’s terrible– I would never wish that on anyone. Except for those scoundrel Cincinnati BearCats! We are going to Whoop Your Ass!!!!!! Praying to God, at least. Go Buckeyes. And Go God.


10:04 by Ben Lerner

Well for one thing, I can’t stand this title. 10:04? Who’d pick that? My favorite time is 4:30. That’s when all my shows start coming on. Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, The People’s Court, and Cops. Then the news! I love the news. But I did NOT love this book. Sorry, Ben. There’s a bunch of pictures in here. This isn’t a photography book. What are you, Ben? A photographer? NO YOU’RE NOT! A POET. AND POETS ARE SUPPOSED TO RISE ABOVE. Ben did not rise above. This character just seemed petty to me. Nobody wants to hear about this cr@p. This book makes me feel like when you’re trying to comfort a friend because they’re crying, who you’ve been friends with for so many years, and then they try to French Kiss you. I hate those Frogs. Thank you for listening. Go Buckeyes!


Pity the Animal by Chelsea Hodson

This book is not a good value. There are not very many pages inside of it. Also the font is too small. It is also a rectangle and I think rectangles are really “played out.” I hate them. I am a circle girl. I don’t like things that are sharp. Except for Cheddar Cheese maybe. And that’s only on a sandwich. I don’t like the color green, either. Makes me think of Car Sick. Roger sometimes really mashes them brakes when going around those curves (and I am not talking about in the bedroom heehee I hope my kids arent reading this). Don’t drive with him on a windy road, just saying. But the writing inside redeemed it somewhat. I like this girl. She’s got spunk. She also reminds me of something that rhymes with my favorite dessert. S’mores. Sometimes a girl just wanna have fun. HAH! But I’m here to tell you Chelsie that I’ve got years of experience and sometimes there’s not much difference between a man and a toothbrush. They might be good for you but sometimes you forget to bring them on a trip and therefore you have to use one of those icky ones. But those get the job done to. But what I’m trying to say is this. Sometimes there’s not much difference between a man and a Chili Cheese Dog. Enough said. Pity that animal. You said it Chelsie. Go Chelsie, and go buckeyes. P.S. What is up with that art woman? Madonna Abrayvitch? Who named her? Why’d you want to stare at something you can’t even pronounce? This is america. My name is Dottie. You can say that easy. Just like chelsei


Wildlives by Sarah Jean Alexander

Now, I found this book on my nephew’s nightstand. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now! But no, I like to keep an open mind, which is something I think you’re supposed to do with people who wear used clothing. (HE SMELLS LIKE MOTHBALLS) ANYWAY I really thought this book, with its title and the ocean waves, was going to be a Wild Tale about the Ocean like my Favorite TV show, Deadliest Catch. LIES! I don’t think people should be celebrating wild lives. Lives are best spent safe at home (THIS is coming from someone with two speeding tickets! YIKES heehee) with their loved ones. Not to say I haven’t had wild times as a young woman like Alexandria Jean. One time I stole a 5th Avenue candy bar from a Western Auto. (They sell car parts.) I guess in this day and age you could write a poem about something as stupid as that. Back in my day you had to actually go do something before calling yourself a poet, like fighting wars, or killing a kid. Stealing a candy bar does not make literature. I know this. I didn’t even major in English and I know that. You’re also supposed to show and not tell. Show me the money, Alexandria Jean Sampsen!!!!!!!! I want my $14 back! Oh wait LOL I didn’t buy this book. Never you mind! OK time for bed. Gonna snuggle up to Roger now and dream of The Ohio State University national championships, where dreams and destiny collide. Go Buckeyes!


A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks

Love it Love it LOVE IT!!!!! But I don’t love cancer. At all! Knock on wood. I do love books about cancer. My mother up in heaven died from the nasty stuff almost six years ago. Here is a link to the American Cancer Society, if you would like to read up on this terrible plague.

If that’s not your thing, like maybe you’ve already had cancer, here’s my favorite website!

GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gonna WHOOP YOUR ASS tomorrow virginia tech! YOU CAN EAT IT.