Overly Cautious Kitchen Employee

Setting is in the kitchen of a hip restaurant with a one syllable name that sells small portions of colorful food with intentionally sparse amounts of sauces and dressing, in colors that contrast the order, on most of the plates. Things may be sped up a little bit so that body motions and voices seem unnatural, and the viewer feels stressed and sweaty as if they are working in this kitchen. Really anxiety inducing lighting is falling from the ceiling over everything in a way that you can’t imagine sunlight in this kitchen. All of the actors and actresses are wearing black button up shirts and black pants with the shirts tucked into them, unless they are a cook, and if they are they are wearing a shirt with asymmetrical buttons and black pants. The camera starts following in front of a particular employee, slightly below eyelevel and uncomfortable close to their face, who is speed-walking through the kitchen in crocs or something like crocs. They are yelling kitchen lingo like “COMING DOWN THE LINE” whenever even slightly near another human. The camera zooms out and sees they are carrying a large vessel full of some steaming liquid. The employee is sweating profusely yelling “HOT!” “BEHIND!” then turns a corner while yelling “CORNER!” The employee puts down the vat of soup and starts reaching for a knife while yelling “SHARP!” The employee starts walking back from where they came from with the knife at their side pointed straight at the ground, and while walking back towards the dishwashing station, before walking through the door screams “DOOR!”

Certain Type of Girlfriend

These segments always start off with a Katy Perry song, but always a different one, and the words “Certain Type of Girlfriend” are showing at the bottom of the screen in a cursive font. In these segments, her boyfriend will be inside art galleries, at food trucks or walking looking around, seemingly always excited about something that is going on or near him.  The camera will pan out from him being really absorbed in whatever he is doing with perhaps clown-like amusement and go towards a car nearby, with tinted windows, where a certain type of girlfriend sits in the passenger seat, possibly wearing large sunglasses, breathing loudly out of her mouth, moving her head exaggeratedly like it a cement block that is hard to control, checking the time on her phone and on her watch, accumulating more watches as this couple makes more appearances on the show, possibly she never takes off her sunglasses so you never really can tell if she is rolling her eyes or not or else she does take her sunglasses off and you realize it is you.

Van Haven

Van Haven stars two hippies that have been together according to them “for lifetimes,”  in a place that is very tan and red with barely any plants of vegetation so the viewer questions what is sand and what is dirt. They introduce themselves at the beginning of their commercials with names other than the ones given to them as babies. They are sitting inside a van that has had the seats torn out and has a small bed, a sink, a rug and shelves near the ceiling and some tapestries. They go on to explain their passion for vans and how they can’t imagine not living “the van life.” The camera follows these two as they get up, open the door and step out of the van. The shot is cut, goes black for more than a few milliseconds and starts again showing the couple standing in front of a van with a portrait of Van Morrison painted on the side. A phone number shows up at the bottom of the screen, something like 1-800-VANLIFE, then a slideshow with elaborate slide transitions begins of their customized vans and the couple saying the creations name synchronized.

Van Morrison!
Van Halen!

Van Go!

Van Winkle!

Van Go!

Gus Van Sant!

Health Food Store

The manager of the health food is on the phone with Thomas, a man in his late 50’s, overly annunciating every word in the way she normally does, telling him “Thomas, we have a problem. Something is wrong with the city sewer and we don’t have water. We have to close NOW. We need you to tell everyone who tries to come in that we are closed. But add a little something to do, make them laugh.” Thomas makes a noise, hangs up, looks at his dog, stands up from his lay-z-boy chair and drives to the large parking lot of a health food store that has clientele spanning from suburban families to hip twenty-somethings. He grabs a neon yellow vest and a neon yellow hat from his back seat and puts the vest on over the clothes that he was wearing before he got called into work. Thomas puts on the hat. In his head, he is practicing his customer service voice by thinking all of his normal thoughts in his customer service voice.

The doors to the health food store are already locked, and Thomas starts approaching every car he sees, starting out with “are you coming to our grocery store tonight?” 100% of the people reply with “yes” so he continues. “Well the city is having an issue with the sewer, and our water isn’t working, you don’t want us touching your food, but we will reopen tomorrow morning at 9AM!”

A montage starts of different drivers, yelling at Thomas with their windows rolled down varying amounts, about the different items they needed, but all of them mispronouncing the products.

“Are you KIDDING ME? I was thinking about kom-boo-ker ALL DAY and now you’re saying I can’t get any?”

Sometimes they even go into what they needed it for, as if it will make Thomas feel guilty enough to learn how to fix the city’s sewer

“What am I supposed to tell my celiac son? That he can’t have any glutton free cobcakes on his own birthday?”

Thomas smiles and nods while saying “I am sorry to disappoint you” and a voice comes in to narrate his thoughts, while muting someone about to yell at him, and Thomas is thinking about these people living somewhere outside of the Midwest, possibly in the path of a hurricane.